When I first started this blog it was a major time of change for me. I had just finished graduate school, which in itself was the first time I had some sort of “career path” in mind. I had just moved back to DC (which I dislike less every day, but can’t yet say I like) from New York (which has been the home of my imagination since I put up a calendar when I was thirteen counting down the days until I would attend NYU–which I never did). I moved in with my boyfriend, who I knew at that point I would spend the rest of my life with if I was lucky. Just having a serious boyfriend was a first for me, and yet, upon reflection, neither of those things made me as nervous as they maybe should have. I started a job I was unsure about and let myself get convinced to take against my better judgment. I then quit it a day and a half later. After a week or so, I began a different job I was less unsure about. (I’ve been there ever since.) This sounds very simple in words, but it all felt so enormous and difficult at the time. Like I was making a decision that would affect the whole world.
It’s been a few years and I find myself in another period of intense change. I’m at that point in my career where if you were dating you would need to decide whether to get married or break up. Does this really feel right? Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life…or at least for a long time? Can I do better? But there are so many things I like here…will I really have those things somewhere else? Sure I’ve invested a lot in this (enough student loans to make me physically ill), but didn’t I always want something else? Like to be a fashion designer or a filmmaker or JK Rowling. Shouldn’t I pursue my dream (of the day)? Did I mention I’m maddeningly fickle? After blowing through five seasons of Bones in just a few weeks, I actually looked up forensic anthropology at the Smithsonian because I was convinced that was really what I needed to be doing. After Ugly Betty, I had to fight the urge to look at writing jobs. I have a feeling that if there were a television show made about my job I would either a) stop questioning my choices; or b) realize that television shows obviously do not portray jobs accurately and not everyone is hot in any non-Hollywood job…b/c let’s be real here, it makes a difference (not really).
Part of my struggle is being ok with the fact that I probably cannot be both happy and in one place forever. There’s a lot of judgment in our culture toward people that don’t follow this forward linear structure. They’re flighty, unreliable, weak-minded. While I wish I could say that I was completely comfortable forging my own path and not conforming, I’m not. I need validation, respect, and all that other mumbo jumbo. And on top of all of that, I’m not at all sure what I want, because when it really comes down to it, I want to do everything. all at once. right now.
And so that’s where I find myself right now. Trying to decide between what’s comfortable and safe and something else. Something that could be exciting and challenging–but maybe still not quite right. Yet is probably better than being just comfortable, moving forward in slow motion because it’s the safest way to get ahead, which of course is what I’m supposed to do to prove I’m at least a little smart.
Thank you for letting me vent my issues. I remembered this space as a place for me to be when change is happening–and when I should let it happen. Because in the end, even if I make the wrong choice, I can make another change and another until I can’t. And I should probably be making changes until then.